I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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