If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
