Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
