i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
