Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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