When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
