oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
