You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
