You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
