I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
