mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
