Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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