Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
