Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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