What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?