Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just sucked dick on a ferry