I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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