her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
