Just cropdusted the office
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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