Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
