margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
