If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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