my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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