I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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