I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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