I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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