Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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