Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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