I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
