dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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