My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
