I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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