She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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