so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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