SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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