Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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