I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
