It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
