I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
