we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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