I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
