There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
