I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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