i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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