thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
