The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
