your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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