guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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