Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They are going to name an STD after you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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