i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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