the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We are two peas in an std pod
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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