Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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