erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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