Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
