i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
