Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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