I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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