So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
