Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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